once more for the cheap seats in the back

i don’t like to divulge much about myself; i prefer to listen to others talk when it comes to conversation.  but at the risk of being lazy, a bit about me culled from an earlier effort.  i plan to revamp this list sometime, when the mood strikes:

1) i speak and think and write in run-ons and this will always be the way i am. i usually say that art and books were my first loves but i have been in love with words the longest and i make up my own and i take issue with proper grammar at times and my best papers and stories and conversations have always been in run-on form. however, spelling is really really important to me. learn to spell, folks!
2) i hate dusting more than anything else i have to do to maintain my household. dusting can kiss my ass.
3) the most religious i have ever been was when i came home from montessori when i was 5 and announced to my mother, to reassure her, that god got shot by the indians but don’t worry, he’s coming back. this is my contribution to the fund and also largely indicative of my grasp on history. either that or when that guy in the crystal store told me i had been an indian princess in a past life. i nodded. i bet i was. it all comes back to the indians.
4) i am well aware that i make no sense. i have always been morbidly shy and cringe when eyes turn on me but i love fashion and wear a lot of color and things i’m probably too old to be wearing and i don’t care. i just don’t. people who know me well and like me sometimes find this a little charming; people who don’t know me well and/or don’t like me think i’m full of shit and really conceited and love attention but i don’t. i promise. wearable art.
5) i truly love good food and if i had a bigger appetite i would be orca-big, really ginormous. i think my nervousness and walking at break-neck speed all of the time burns it off. and italian will always be my favorite: tortellini, salad with a great balsamic, profiteroles, red wine.
6) every month i get bloated for a week–turns out i am female–and lose all common sense and freak out and get miserable and think i’m fat, i’m fat, i’m fat. and the next week i go back to normal and my clothes are looser again and i’m relieved. phew! dodged a bullet. every month the same. i never learn.
7) my all-time favorite memory is from when i was 3 and my parents had split up and my mom and i moved in with her folks and my grandfather used to sit down in the bathroom with me and spread out my hair on a towel over his legs and dry my hair after my bath. as i got older, i used to lie down on the floor and try to recreate that feeling of being warm and nurtured and treated with so much tenderness. it’s a sense memory, so it works. it works still.
8) in my head, i am already an ex-pat. someday, i will be. you can all come visit. i like to show people around and am good at thinking up things people would like to do/see and it gives me an excuse to clean (and it’s the only time i break down and dust).
9) i like vodka. as long as it’s not the cheapest well vodka, i’ll pretty much drink whatever. i’m not difficult or elitist but i will not touch beer.
10) i don’t really understand why anyone gets anything but big dogs or fluffy cats for pets. i just don’t.
11) it really bothers me when people talk about being healthy like it’s a talent: oh, i never get sick. you’re not doing anything! that’s just your chemical makeup! shutup already!
12) i detest desert island lists. i hate paring down and choosing and if you make me my choices will largely be dictated by my mood at the time and i know that and that makes me madder–what happens when my mood changes and i want to pick again? huh?
13) i’m a horrible klutz. it takes so much concentration for me not to knock into things all the time. so much.
14) most of the time i feel like a monster and an alien, which means that much of the time i spend thinking about ways and means to be a better person. if i’m quiet for a while and in your company, odds are, this is what i’m pondering. don’t feel bad. there are worse things to mull over and put one’s energy towards.
15) i’m a smoker. i quit for a while but always pick it back up and if i spend the rest of my life smoking 3 cigarettes a day, so be it. you can always bum off me.
16) purple is my favorite color. for as long as i can remember and until the end of time.
17) the first album i fell in love with was the beatles’ abbey road. i used to sing parts of it to my brother when we put him down for the night. he thought maxwell’s silver hammer was funny and so do i and golden slumbers was always the big close and maybe when i die and i have my viking sendoff you guys can play it when the boat is set aflame.
18) i am no good at accepting compliments. most of you know this already. is that cheating? also, i have no patience.
19) this year i will do at least two of the following: get back into ballet, start (re)learning a language, take cello lessons. i think the cello will lose due to cost, but it is what i want the most of the three. am i too small for a cello?
20) i like to swear and i don’t understand people with language hang-ups. nietzsche thought that our mastery of language is one of our greatest strengths and that laziness and defaulting to the same words over and over is just limiting our own power. so, i don’t use them all the time, but i’m not giving them up.
21) sartre described emotions as the magic we exert on our environment in order not to feel powerless. i think that is beautiful. i love philosophy.
22) i am not a sentimental person but the stories, songs, art, movies i love the most are deeply sentimental in some facet of their core. i prefer to think of them as profound. these same things will affect me very differently depending on my mood. listening to built to spill this morning on the subway: “it’s barely yours on loan what you think you own, the place that you call home, the idea’s in your bones”. today i smiled, another day, i’ll cry. i’m like that…”in your bones.”
23) one of the reasons i need to live more than once and haven’t had children yet is because i love all of you very, very much and don’t forget it and i’d love nothing better than to have a full life of housing you and listening to you and feeding you and holding your hands and singing you to sleep and so on. you are all immeasurably beautiful and precious to me. so, also, when i’m quiet, i might be thinking about that. you are all beautiful and precious.
24) i have to touch everything. i’m a toucher. in stores i pick things up, i have to feel my clothes before i buy them, i have a hard time not touching people for emphasis when i’m talking. i haven’t always been that way, so i’m making up for lost time & if you’re one of those no touching people, you can check that shit at the door.
25) the worst arrogance i have is not thinking i am always right–which i usually am–but that whatever i think isn’t MY being right but some inviolable law of the universe for which i am a conduit. it’s not that i’m right but that the idea is right. somehow, this always makes sense to me. how does everyone not already know what i know to be right? don’t you all see? i’m definitely right about this.

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One response to “once more for the cheap seats in the back

  • Jonathan Van Matre

    You are certainly not too small for a cello. There’s always room for cello!

    ba-DUMP-chik! :D

    You might prefer a 3/4 or 7/8 sized instrument, though, for comfort’s sake.

    Of course, this being a time capsule thing, you may already have figured this out. In which case, I am merely putting the “post” in posterity.

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